Hating the Matrix Reloaded: it's what all the cool kids are doing these days. And you all know that despite the title of this column having the word "dork" in it, I want nothing more in my tiny, meaty little heart to be a cool kid. And even if I didn't want that, damn it all, but I hated the Matrix Reloaded.
However, I'm hopping on this hate bandwagon a little late in the game; why, other internet pundits have had months to wax on and on about the crap in this movie, and why it fills them with geeky rage. So, in order to honor the DVD release of the movie, I'll present to you Three Stupid Things About the Matrix Reloaded that No One Has Bitched About Yet. I Hope.
1. Whitney Obsesses Over the Mundane
As I mentioned in my Enter the Matrix review, the costuming choices in the movie drive me batty. Explain to me, someone, please, anyone. Where are the people of Zion getting fancy fabric dyes so Morpheus can wear a shirt with a color that signifies he's a captain? How about that apparent Tibetan monk in bright orange robes? Wasn't everyone in the first movie wearing the same drab, mottled, uneven grey? Where are they getting the fabric itself? I guess I missed the cotton plantations. Yes, you say, synthetic fibers, Whitney. They could use their steampunk magical un-evil robots to make synthetic fibers, probably from the same stuff they use to make the protein slop from the first movie. I could give you that, but I have this memory, of one of the teeming unwashed masses scratching at Christ-Keanu's feet who was wearing something with sequins on it. They can't make decent food or keep out the hordes of machines, but damn it all, they still have sequins! Humanity has a chance!
2. Lack of Stirring the Melting Pot
Okay, I'll admit, I don't expect much from this point, because it is just a movie, after all. I'd just like to raise the notion that logically, there's no reason that the machines would be breeding their batteries along racial lines. Presumably they've been at this for quite some time, considering the population and amount of development that's gone on in Zion; after hundreds of years of making babies in tubes from the nearest convenient DNA, there just shouldn't be distinct races. Neo shouldn't be white, Morpheus shouldn't be black; everyone should be a nice shade of brown. Why should your image inside the Matrix necessarily be an accurate representation of your physical body in your tube of warm goo? Wouldn't it be creepier if you spent your whole life thinking you were Keanu Reeves or Jada Pinkett-Smith, but when you got out and saw your real face, it was very different? This isn't really something the movie would have done or pulled off; Keanu and Lawrence sell tickets, so they'll stay in the movie the whole time. I'm just saying, this movie could have been a Bollywood extravaganza and we all would have been happier.
On the racial matter, I also have another bitch: come on, guys, the machines are at your door, you struggle each day to survive, you eat slop and wear itchy synthetic fibers... and you're still forming romantic/family relationships along race lines? If there's anything the machines have taught us by now, it's that we're all basically the same, except for fat people, who have way more body heat energy.
3. Oh, Right, Logic
I ask too much. I ask far too much. Perhaps I can accept that humanity would be stupid enough to think that blotting out the sun, the source of life, the really bright thing would be a good idea. But... after hundreds of years and the eventual death of most plant life, wouldn't that make it a little... hard to breathe? Shouldn't the world be encased in ice? Hasn't mankind created an environment where only machines can survive? ISN'T THIS MOVIE STUPID?
I don't expect the third movie to solve any of these problems, unless they reveal that the "real" world is just another level of the stupid Matrix, in which case, I'm punching the Brothers Wachowski in the face. Three times each. And then once in the junk for Enter the Matrix.
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