You know who we need to get into comics? Homosexuals. You always see them having parades and unity festivals and big meetings. You must realize that shows like the Anna Nicole Smith show and Will and Grace and all these shows are ratings hits because they've cornered the market on gay viewers. Why doesn't anyone try to corner the market on gay readers, eh? I mean, they say that one in ten people is gay so just imagine one tenth of America reading comics! Hell, if one twentieth of America read comics, that'd be a godsend! And the perfect candidate to do reach this audeince is Marvel. Why Marvel? Because they have a secret weapon already in place: Johnny Storm.
You heard me: Johnny Storm. The Human Torch. Mr. "Flame on!" himself. Who better to have represent the homosexuals of America than a person who's catch phrase is "flame on?" And didn't you always suspect that deep down he wanted to hook up with the Thing? Why else does he tease him all the time and play little practical jokes on him? It's just like elementary school all over again, you tease the ones you love.
Now, you might ask "but Guy, Johnny was married." To which I'd reply, "Shut up! Who's column is this?" Then I'd punch them in the face and kick them while they're down. But, then I'd answer their question, which is valid. Yes. Johnny Storm was married to Lyla but first of all, it was a failed marriage. Second of all, she was a Skrull. A member of a shape-shifting race. Who is to say what form she took in the bedroom, eh? Perhaps she even looked like a certain ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing? (Maybe it's time we also evaluated the Thing's self proclaimed title of "ever-lovin'").
The question remains though, will this ever come to pass? No. Why? A year ago Grant Morrison made the suggestion that Johnny was attracted to his sister and the anti-incest uproar that followed probably means that Marvel isn't willing to go this route. Which is a shame. Also, a few years back, there was going to be a storyline that revealed that Mystique was not Nightcrawler's mother but his father and that Destiny was his mother. However, Marvel backed off fearing that their readers might not dig the homosexual direction in the X books.
But perhaps someday Marvel will overcome this irrational fear and little Johnny Storm can come out of the closet.
On a mission from God,
Guy Ryder
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